Hello all,
     So what's new with me? Why am I writing? Well, the Buffalo Sabers just beat out the Toronto Maple Leafs and are going to the playoffs now - for the first time in 24 years (huzzah!). I am still unemployed. Not even Burger King or McDonald's seem to want my talent - a whole semester at Frankie's gone to waste! I would
take up waitressing at one of our fine local eateries but, alas, they, the proverbial "they" who conduct all the workings of the universe, have decided that this summer is the perfect time to redo and repave the main roads in my city, making travel across town a long and tedious effort, and putting any possible employment as a food or beverage technician (aka: a waitress) at the extreme bottom of my list.
 
    Now, there is something that I absolutely love: working a food or drinks booth, as I am oft to do, at the various lawn fetes, known to all those outside of the Buffalo area as festivals and carnivals, held during the summer. I love to watch the confusion spread across their simple minded features as I cheerfully approach and, with a broad toothy and mischievous grin, joyously announce, "Hello, my name is Beenie and I will be your natural and carbonated beverage technician for this evening," or "food technician" depending on where I happen to be volunteering my services at the time.

    So here I am, with fifty five dollars to my name to last me the rest of the summer, and a sister's graduation gift yet to be bought, unemployed, typing a letter to college friends, smuggling accomplices, and other partners in crime, at 11:21 PM, Memorial Day evening, with nothing more ambitious to do other than go to bed. And I do feel the faeries weighing heavy at my lids so I know that glorious sleep is not too far off for this insomniac tonight. Alack the day! Even cable TV has failed me. Which brings me to a new point.
 
    I have discovered the true nature of the friendly cubic box known as the teli. And to the fullest of my knowledge, this is also one of the great mysteries of the universe. I have evolved a theory, in my many hours of unemployed couch potato filled time, that, no matter what day, what time, what month or year, regardless of what your horoscope may say and how the planets have aligned to form a perfect isosceles triangle, you will always be able to find a Clint Eastwood or John Wayne
movie somewhere in the vast and empty realms of cabledom. I have tested this hypothesis for the last two weeks, on random days, at random times, and have so fortified my evidence that this hypothesis has now been upgraded to THEORY status and is currently under investigation by the CIA and FBI, believing that it may be a form of intergalactic communication between a vastly superior race which can only express themselves through obscure western phrases such as "howdy pilgrim" and "do you feel lucky, punk".  With this in mind, I believe that I have found the subject matter for my graduating thesis paper, which is to be written my senior year prior to graduation and in between a multitude of essays, papers and finals, all of which coincide with the first full moon appearing after Mars, Venus and Jupiter have aligned in a perfect equilateral triangle.  My findings could revolutionize the world and mark the beginning of a new landmark in history...
 
    And all because McDonald's and Burger King rejected my applications. An unemployed mind is a terrible thing to waste.
 
 
 

NOTE: McDonald's and Burger King are not affiliated with this site or the author of this deranged piece. As of the publication of this essay on unemployment, the author has still not received word on either of her fast food applications.