Rule One: If you pull into my driveway and honk you'd better
be delivering a package, because you're sure not picking anything up.
Rule Two: You do not touch my daughter in front
of me. You may glance at her, so long as you do not peer at anything
below her neck. If you cannot keep your eyes or hands off of
my daughter's body, I will remove them.
Rule Three: I am aware that it is considered fashionable
for boys of your age to wear their trousers so loosely that they appear
to be falling off their hips. Please don't take this as an insult,
but you and all of your friends are complete idiots. Still, I want
to be fair and open minded about this issue, so I propose this compromise:
You may come to the door with your underwear showing and your pants ten
sizes too big, and I will not object. However, In order to ensure
that your clothes do not, in fact, come off during the course of your date
with my daughter, I will take my electric nail gun and fasten your trousers
securely in place to your waist.
Rule Four: I'm sure you've been told that in today's
world, sex without utilizing a "barrier method" of some kind can kill you.
Let me elaborate: when it comes to sex, I am the barrier, and I will kill
you.
Rule Five: In order for us to get to know each other,
we should talk about sports, politics, and other issues of the day.
Please do not do this. The only information I require from you is an indication
of when you expect to have my daughter safely back at my house, and the
only word I need from you on this subject is "early."
Rule Six: I have no doubt you are a popular fellow,
with many opportunities to date other girls. This is fine with me
as long as it is okay with my daughter. Otherwise, once you have
gone out with my little girl, you will continue to date no one but her
until she is finished with you. If you make her cry, I will make
you cry.
Rule Seven: As you stand in my front hallway, waiting
for my daughter to appear, and more than an hour goes by, do not sigh and
fidget. If you want to be on time for the movie, you should not be
dating. My daughter is putting on her makeup, a process that can
take longer than painting the Golden Gate Bridge. Instead of just
standing there, why don't you do something useful, like changing the oil
in my car?
Rule Eight: The following places are not appropriate
for a date with my daughter: