It was a warm summer day in the sleepy lit tle high rent district of Boartown. A group of young men and women were gathered in the Wild Pig Theater for their daily acting classes. This seemingly ancient building had once been an old fashioned opera theater but now was the place of work for the famous actor Jay McDowell. It was here that he held his drama classes and various plays. Among the group, four young women showed the most promise. Their names were Shazzi Bozac, Yoshi Mierzia, Beenie Donaldson and Adrienne Arno. After being casted together for various plays, the four became dear friends and formed their own secret society called The Bush Boar. They devoted themselves to fine acting and vowed to destroy any play that had a complete block of wood cast in the lead role. Eventually, however, they began to move apart. Shazzi was the first to go, having accepted the lead in several foreign films. Next, Yoshi took the role of the great Polish patriot, Sohie Stolacar, in the Broadway musical �Sausage for the People�. Beenie and Adrienne remained close for some time. Certain relatives from Beenie�s family arranged for the two to have minor roles in such classics as The Godfather movies and Good Fellas. They even went so far as to give Arno the mob name of Adrienne the Alchie Arno. Beenie had simply become known as the Beenie. It turned out that she was next in line to be head of the Garbanzo Beenie family and as such, she was forced to give up her career in acting. Alchie, as she became known to all mob members and associates, went far in her career. She eventually left her success behind to work for the CIA, the best group of actors in the world. When the time came for Beenie�s coronation ceremony, after the death of the great Meatsy Pasteroni, her old friends came to see their comrade reach the pinnacle of her illustrious career in the underworld. It was a lavish ceremony, attracting some of the most famous criminals of all time�or at least their look-alikes. At the banquet following the main event, the four friends noticed a strange woman. They were sure they had never seen her before but thought she looked familiar none the less. They followed her into the women�s room. They hid near the door and watched in amazement at what was taking place. The woman pulled off her hair and washed off her heavy layers of make-up to reveal none other than�Jay McDowell! Adrienne was never good at keeping secrets so before you knew it, an entire news crew was parked in the bathroom taping this actor turned transvestite. McDowell was humiliated. He could no longer find work as an actor except for roles in The Rocky Horror Picture Show. Not even his many years as a biology teacher came close to this kind of shame. Jay vowed vengeance on his former pupils�

******************************************************************

�That�s a lovely story and all,� said Scully, �but what does that have to do with us! We don�t have time for your trip down memory lane!�

�Quiet!!!� shouted Beenie. �I�m in the middle of an anecdote.� Agent Scully shrank back into the couch where she was sitting. �You know, I�m beginning to regret having the aliens bring you back��

�You did that?!� asked Arno in disbelief. �Why?!�

�Come on people!� shouted Shazzi. �We�re getting side tracked! So just be quiet and let Beenie finish the story you little Perry Mason wannabe!��All right now�� began Beenie. �Where was I��

******************************************************************

Some three months later, Beenie received a mysterious letter which had been slipped under her door. She cautiously opened it after having her bomb-sniffing dogs check it out, expecting it to be another �suprise� from her main rival, Al �the Meatball� Linguini and the Clam Sauce gang. It turned out to be just a letter from her old friend Adrienne�

�Dear Beenie,
I�m in a lot of trouble. I need your help. Please come before it�s too late.
Adrienne�

******************************************************************

�We each got a letter like that.� explained Yoshi in her almost intelligible accent.

�Mine,� began Agent Arno, �was obviously not signed in my name.�

�Probably wouldn�t know the difference anyway�� shot Scully.

�I thought I told you to keep quiet?� questioned Beenie. �Do you want to go back to being someone�s lab rat or will you actually shut up?!�

�How did you manage to get her back?� asked Stark.

�The same way I make all my deals.� replied Beenie. �I made them an offer they couldn�t refuse. They get to abduct all the trailer park inhabiting UFO freaks, those annoying survey people that ambush you in the mall, the perfume snipers in the department stores, and any other general pest.�

�I guess that explains why they took you.� quaffed Adrienne. �What do you get in return?�

�Actually,� stated Beenie, �that is what I get. But, that�s not all. I make a nice little side profit in interstellar trade. They give us new genetic material, rare minerals, subjects for sci-fi shows and home-grown hillbillies to run for public office. We give them technology, and all the accountants they could ever want.�

�So why didn�t they take Arno too?� asked Scully in a juvenile way.

�That was a tough one.� replied Beenie. �I had to throw some loopholes in the contract to manage it but it worked out well enough.�

Mulder�s eyes glazed over as he listened. �Aliens Scully!� he shouted. �Real aliens! Now we have proof�Well, ah, Beenie does anyway, but that�s not important! I feel that I can live a normal life now that I know I was right all along�Adrienne! I�ve decided that I�m going to buy an actual house with a bedroom! No more sleeping on the floor and the couch!

�We�ll see about the floor part.� Replied Adrienne standing up. �Can I get a drink? I�m dying of thirst.�

�There are soda and juice machines next to the TV.� informed Beenie.

Adrienne walked over to the refreshment area and got a can of Ruby Red from the Ocean Spray juice machine. She sat down and started drinking. �Back to the story!� she demanded.

******************************************************************

The following day, Beenie arrived in Boartown and began her investigation. She arrived at the designated rondevoue spot - an abandoned warehouse. As she crept about the room, she heard the confused voices of her friends and approached them.

�There you are!� exclaimed Beenie.

Her three friends whipped around to face her. Adrienne jumped and Yoshi let out a small shriek.

�Don�t do that!� shouted Adrienne. �Now that you�re here, what�s this all about. We all got your letter so it�s time for some explaining.�

�I thought as much�� muttered Beenie.

�What�s that supposed to mean?� asked Yoshi in a startled voice.

�It means,� answered Bennie, �that I didn�t send you any letters. I received one from Adrienne asking for my help.�

�I knew it!� exclaimed Shazzi. �I�ve been picking up bad vibes since we got here! Let�s get out while we can!�

�Too late�� mocked a mysterious voice from the shadows.

****************************************************************

�Damn!� shouted Agent Arno.

�What�s wrong?� asked an anxious Agent Mulder who had pulled himself into a ball in the corner of the sofa. �What is it?! WHAT?!� He suddenly reminded them all of a small child hearing a ghost story.

�I spilled my juice!� replied a suprised Agent Arno.

�This is why he�s not allowed to read any of the FBI reports.� joked Scully.

�He can�t even read The Three Little Pigs without getting scared!� added Adrienne.

�Can we please get on with this?!� pleaded an exasperated Agent Stark.

****************************************************************

The four women whirled around in time to see a faint figure retreat to the shadows and the ominous figures of seven large brutes step into the light.

�We�re surrounded!� cried Yoshi in amazement.

�Welcome to your nightmare�� gloated the unseen speaker.

The four were ushered into a small, dark room where they were tied onto chairs back-to back. The lights dimmed as the seven bodyguards faded into the darkness.

�Comfy?� laughed the mysterious voice. �I hope you�ll excuse the mess. It�s so hard to find good help these days�hm, hm, hm��

�What do you want?� questioned Beenie in a suprisingly calm voice.

�Oh, I want to save some suprises for later.� Replied the voice. �Besides, I�d like to see if you can figure that out for yourselves�� There was a noticeable movement in the shadows as the owner of the voice stepped into the light. Before them now stood a tall and menacing�

*****************************************************************

CLUNK!

�What was that?!!� shouted Agent Mulder jumping from his corner of the couch.

They all looked to the other side of the room where Adrienne stood next to the juice machines.

�I�m just getting another drink!� shouted Agent Arno to the shaken agent Mulder. �What a baby�oh, great!

�What now?� whined Scully.

�My can of juice has a hole in the bottom!� complained Adrienne. �Is this some sort of punishment? Ohhh�it�s getting all over the rug!�

�Don�t worry.� said Beenie. �This carpet is stain proof. A necessity in my former field of work��

�Come on!� shouted Agent Mulder. �What was it?! I can�t stand the suspense!�

�All right!� shouted Shazzi. �Finish the story!�

*****************************************************************

The ghastly and terrifying figure before them was�a nun!

�What in hell�?� said a thoroughly bewildered Adrienne.

�I finally have you�� began the nun. �After all these years of plotting�you�re finally mine! What do you have to say about that?�

�I�d say,� replied Shazzi, �that I�m glad I�m not Catholic. Just look at the weirdoes you have for your holy people�or what ever passes for that these days. I mean, what kind of demented freak would run around trying to hurt people after��

�Quiet!!!� bellowed the nun, her features twisting in rage. �I�m not a nun�I just dress like one!�

�OK then,� piped in Adrienne, �who exactly are you?�

�Yeah,� said Shazzi, �and what kind of freak runs around dressed like a nun, I mean what kind of sick world do we live in when��

�Shut up!!!� screamed the�whatever. �Let�s just say I�m an old acquaintance��

�Hm, hm, hm�� snickered Beenie.

�What�s so funny?� asked the, uh, old acquaintance.

�Hm, hm�nothing.� replied Beenie. �Hm, hm, ha ha, hahaaaha!�

�What�s so funny!!!� raged the person dressed like a nun that�s not really a nun at all.

�I think Beenie�s finally flipped�� whispered Adrienne while the other two nodded in agreement.

�Haha�It�s just that�Haha�You�re�you�re the sorriest excuse for a villain I�ve ever seen!� spat out Beenie who then proceeded to burst into a fit of hysterical laughter.

�I�ll show you!� shouted the�thing. �You�ll stop laughing soon enough! Now say your good-bye�s! The final curtain is closing! It�s time for me to exit this pathetic little play!�

With that, the nun ran from the room, closing the heavy metal door behind her. A squeaking sound was heard just before a strange pinkish liquid came gushing out of a pipe in the wall.

�She�s flooding the room with water!� cried Yoshi �Wait!� screamed Shazzi, �That�s not water. It�s pink grapefruit juice! She�s gonna� drown us in grapefruit juice! What a total fruitcake!!�

�Beenie,� whined Adrienne in an urgent voice. �Quit laughing and help us find a way out of here.!�

�Sorry,� replied Beenie finally getting a hold of herself. �But, not to worry. I always come prepared�� With that, Beenie whipped a strange item out of her pocket which resembled some sort of Swiss army-knife. She pressed on a small lever and a laser shot out of the end of the devise, cutting her loose. She then untied her companions.

�Now, how do we get out of here?� asked a frantic Yoshi as she watched the juice which was now at the level of her waist.

�With this!� shouted Beenie triumphantly, pulling several small buttons from her coat. �And this!� she added removing a bobypin from her hair.

�What are you gonna do with those?� asked an incredulous Adrienne.

Beenie then began hooking the buttons together, forming a cylindrical stack, and stuck the bobypin in the top of the stack. Beenie gazed triumphantly at her strange devise.

�Now what�?� asked Adrienne who was becoming insanely bored. �I�I need to get out of here�fast! I�m� I�m getting claustrophobic!!!!� shouted Adrienne as she began to laugh psychotically. Before the others knew what was happening, Adrienne dived into the grapefrui t juice and began to do the back stroke.

�All right,� said Beenie, �there�s a vent at the top of the room that�s directly connected to the outside�He�ll hear me�� With that Beenie walked over to the corner of the room where the vent sat some twenty feet above them and began to shout. �BEER! Look at all the BEER! There�s so much BEER, that we could swim in it!�

�La, la laaala!� sang Adrienne as she swam by and dove out of sight into the juice.

�Some of us already are�� shot Shazzi.

Suddenly the ground began to shake and a strange gnawing sound was heard from outside. Moments later, part of the wall collapsed and the figure of a small shaggy dog burst in from the opening.

�Gaffney! Good boy you drunken bastard! Good boy!�

The dog didn�t seem to notice the three women standing about the opening. He dove into the quickly draining juice and almost inhaled it before spitting it all out with a disgusted expression. He faced Beenie and began to growl in an agitated manner, showing his teeth.

�I know you�re upset about the beer but don�t worry. I�ll get you a six-pack once we�re safe. Promise.� consoled Beenie.

The wet, shaggy dog wagged it�s tail and sat by the door. They began to walk out the opening when they realized that Adrienne was not with them. The trio turned around to see Adrienne lying on her back and splashing in the remaining small puddles of juice. They walked over to the flopping figure.

�Come on Adrienne!� screeched an impatient Yoshi. �We have to go!�

�NO!� shouted a distraught Adrienne. �I want to swim!�

�It�s all right�you can swim if you want to�� said Beenie in an appeasing tone. ��Ready?�one�two�three�GRAB HER!!!�

Yoshi, Shazzi and Beenie lunged at their disoriented friend and began to drag her, kicking and screaming, from the room.

�NO!� screamed Adrienne. �I want to swim! I�m a fish!! I�m a fish!!!�

After getting safely outside, Beenie took the small contraption of buttons and bobypins, wound it in a clockwise direction, and threw it into the chamber.

�Now what?� asked Yoshi.

�Run!� commanded Beenie. They ran to the edge of the lot and jumped behind a hedge just as the warehouse exploded.

�Wow!� exclaimed Adrienne who had come to her senses. �Those buttons did that?!!!�

�Never underestimate the power of plastic�� said Shazzi in a hypnotic voice.

The group began to walk away in the direction of the town. Gaffney walked ahead of them.

�Do you hear something?� asked Yoshi.

�Sounds like music�� replied Beenie as a slight smile appeared on her face. Then, beginning to laugh, she added, �The Beatles, I think��

About fifteen minutes later, the four friends arrived back in town with Gaffney trailing behind them.

�Something�s not right�� whispered Adrienne. �It�s so�quiet.�

�Look!� shouted Yoshi. �There�s someone! Let�s find out what�s going on.�

A strange moan was heard from behind them. They turned to fin d Gaffney staggering towards them with his tongue hanging to the ground and small clumps of foam dangling from his mouth. Seconds later, the dog callapsed into the dusty road in the small hick-town, raising a small cloud of dust in which the words �Pewter Mug� were visible for a mere second.

�We need to get him some beer and fast!� alerted Shazzi. �Where�s the nearest pub?�

�Excuse me,� reproached Adrienne in an annoyed voice, �but you�re in America now, Shazzi. And here we don�t call them pubs. We call them BARS!!! At any rate, leave this to me. I can sniff out a beer keg a mile away.�

�Hold on a minute!� shouted Agent Arno, interrupting the story. �I don�t think we have to hear the next part. We can just skip to the bar scene.�

�I have to tell them the whole story, Adrienne.� replied Beenie with a mischievous smile forming on her lips. �They need to hear everything that took place.�

�NO!� screamed Agent Arno in a dispairing voice. �Come on Beenie! You can leave me some little shred of dignity! I know you can!�

�If she�s making this much of a fuss it�s got to be good!� chimed in an enthusiastic Agent Scully. �All right Beenie! The whole story! I�ve got to hear this!�

�All right now�� replied Beenie, her voice taking on a nostalgic tone.
�Adrienne had said for us to leave this to her and��

�Oh, this is so humiliating!� whined Agent Arno as Beenie resumed their tale.

******************************************************************

And with that, Adrienne got down on all fours and began to crawl about sniffing the ground. Shazzi, Yoshi and Beenie stood in complete amazement at the level of stupidity and insanity to which their friend had just sunk. Adrienne crawled around in a circle for a minute, trying to pick up the scent�at least that�s what her friends thought she was doing. After a few moments she stopped, let out a long howl, and began to charge down the street. Beenie and Shazzi raced after her while Yoshi stayed behind to care for the dog with the corroded liver. Adrienne came to an abrupt stop outside of a large building.

�This�s the spot.� Said Adrienne triumphantly as she scratched her ear with her foot. �Ahhh�just like when I was in college��

�Al�s Keg.� Said Shazzi reading the sign. �Come on! Let�s go people!�

The trio entered the bar and were immediately greeted by the overwhelming scent of a mixture of beer and vomit. The bar was empty except for the bartender, a strange little man wearing glasses and a large green apron.

�Hello!� greeted the man in a thick Irish accent. �Liam�s my name, but you can call me Joe. Welcome to my pub. Now, what can I get you?�

�First of all,� began Adrienne in her suburban goddess voice, �in America, we call them BARS!!! NOT PUBS!!!!!�

�You�ll have to forgive my friend�she�ate paint chips as a child.� said Beenie. �Um, could we borrow a keg of beer? No, wait! Better make it two. We don�t have any money but��

�Haaaahaaaha!� interrupted the bartender laughing hysterically. �No money?!! Ya want a keg for free?! Are ya outa yer mind?�

�Wait!� shouted Shazzi. �What if our friend here can beat you in a drinking contest? Then can we have the keg for free?�

�Ha!� scoffed the Irishman. �One of you beat me in a drinking contest?! Ya are outa� yer minds! Who am I playin� against?�

�Oh, that would probably be me.� Answered Adrienne. �I can drink you under the table with one liver tied behind my�oh, wait�you only have one�well you get the picture.�

�Fine then!� shouted the Irishman with great zeal. �Let�s have a seat right here and�Hey you!� he shouted pointing to Beenie. �Grab that bottle of whiskey from the shelf. The one in the green bottle.�

The two sat down at a small table while Shazzi and Beenie looked on from their strategically placed bar stools, to see to it that the contest was fair. A tray of shot glasses, each filled to the brim, were placed before the two. First the Irishman drank and then Adrienne, until they had finished the whole tray.

�Are ya dun yet?� questioned the Irishman in a slightly garbled voice.

�Not effen close!� replied Adrienne who was also sounding rather slurred. �Another round! Hurry up!�

Shazzi brought out the next set of shot glasses and set them before the two. They began to drink in turns again and by the time they were halfway threw this batch, they had begun to tell stories to everyone including their invisible friend Bob.

�Sooo I sed ta him,� prattled Adrienne, well on her way to getting thoroughly toasted, �why do you hav mirrors on da ssseeeling? An he sez dat I ota know, becuz I wuz undercover as a prostitute an wuz about ta get this guy an then Stark came an it im on da ed an we��

�Adrienne?� asked Beenie. �Do you guys want more drinks?�

�Keeeep em cumin!� shouted the Irishman. As yet another batch was set before them, the Irishman began to tell them a story.

�I wuz 16,� he began, �when I cum ofer here. An�pass me another!

Shazzi gave him the nearest drink. After he swallowed it down in one gulp he stared at them, looking lost.

�Hullo!� he shouted. �My name�s Liam, but you can call me Joe! Welcum ta Al�s Tavern! I own the place but ya can call me Joe�We need a good ol� tune for drinking an carryin� on! Da ya know �Oh Danny Boy? No? Well then, how about the Irish drinkin� song�We drink an we work an we drink an we die. We drink an we puke an we drink an we work�cum on now! Effery wun sing!�

Adrienne readily began to sing with Joe. Beenie and Shazzi exchanged funny glances and joined in the chorus.

��they came o�er here an they took all our land� they cut off our heads an put nails in our hands�yes we have no heads! Yes we have no heads�.!�

After they sang for an hour, Joe passed out on the floor.

�I won!!!� shrieked Adrienne. �I am the greatest alcohalic in the world! And now�I�m gonna be sick�!�

With that, Adrienne ran to the bathroom and proceeded to throw up about a gallon and a half of whiskey. As she staggered out of the now quite unsanitary restroom, she saw Beenie loading the keg of beer onto a small cart while Shazzi was sitting next to Joe, trying to find out what had happened to the people in town. After Joe whispered something to Shazzi, she jumped out of the chair and began to chant. She then levitated off the floor and hummed in a drone like tone. Without warning, all the plastic forks and knives flew at Joe and pinned him to the wall.

�Never underestimate the power of plastic you sick little weirdo!� shouted Shazzi. �And why do people call you Joe when your name�s Liam and you own a place called Al�s Keg, I mean why not Liam�s Keg or Joe�s Keg and most of all�WHAT HAPPENED TO ALL THE PEOPLE!!!!!�

�Shazzi!� shouted Beenie. �Heel! All right now, Joe�what happened? Where is everyone?�

�Well,� Joe began, �earlier today this loud bell started ta ring�you know, like those school bells�and after a while, everyone just left. I saw ol� Missus Grabble wandering around in a plaid skirt and a blouse. She kept mumblin� about gettin� detention. Twas like she was a zombie or somthin�. Every time that bell rang, the people would disappear��

�If the bell is hypnotizing them or something,� questioned Shazzi, �why weren�t you affected?�

�I dropped out of high school.� Answered Joe. �I just didn�t think public speaking was a good way ta make a living.�

�It�s been fun!� shouted Adrienne in a drunken stupor, �but we have ta get that beer to a drunken dog that�s got a Beetles record hidden in it somewhere or�maybe it really is the Beetles!! They just got shrunk ta the size of fleeze and are on the dog�s back!�

�OK! Let�s go!� screamed Shazzi.

The trio left the bar. Beenie and Shazzi were pushing the wheelbarrow with the keg while Adrienne had deep philosophical conversations with every inanimate object she could find. They finally made it back to where Yoshi sat in the dirt road, barking at the dog who only managed to whine a response.

�You hav to hurry!� warned Yoshi. �He won�t last much longer�� With that they carted the keg over to the small dog. Yoshi flipped him over on his back and opened his mouth. Beenie and Shazzi dumped the keg upside-down into the dog�s mouth. After a taste of the Irishman�s home brew, the dog inhaled the rest of the keg in a mighty gulp and soon after proceeded to burp to various Beetles tunes. Gaffney, now fully recovered, got up and began to run around them, anxious for them to get going.

�Not that anyone really cares,� began Yoshi, �but where�s Adrienne?� They turned to find Adrienne down the street, hitting on a parking meter. They approached her with the look of children who have just seen something�really icky come out of the sink.

�I know this great little bar,� slurred Adrienne, �that�s just down the street. What da ya say�? �Fine then! Don�t answer me! What are you gonna do? Just stand here all day?! I hav better things ta do anyway! Cum on guys! This guy is nothin but a stick in the mud!�

�Or a pole in the sidewalk.� Quipped Shazzi.

�Wait�!� demanded Adrienne. �Do you hear that?! It�s that Beetles song again! Gaffney come here!�

Gaffney trotted over to Adrienne who began to tear out clumps of his fur.

�They�re in here somewhere!� screamed Adrienne.

�Who?!� asked the remaining three in unison.

�The Beetles!� ranted Adrienne. �They shrunk and they�re on Gaffney! Or wait! I know!� Adrienne pried open the dog�s mouth and peered inside. �He swallowed them!!! Gaffney ate the Beetles! YES!!! There is a god after all!!!!� With that matter settled, Adrienne, Shazzi, Beenie, Yoshi, and the now nearly bald Gaffney walked down the road into town, with the darkening sky looming above them. They found a small inn to stay at for the night. There was no one at the registration desk so Beenie helped herself to the only two remaining room keys.

�OK,� spoke an exhausted Yoshi, �who sleeps where?�

�I�ll take a room with Beenie.� Decided Adrienne. �You and Shazzi take Gaffney and the other room.�

�Why do we have to sleep with the smelly drunk dog?!� demanded Yoshi in her thick accent.

�Because,� replied Adrienne, �he�s still kind of miffed at me about the Beetles thing.�

With that the argument was grudgingly settled and the party divided to go to their designated rooms which were next door to each other. Adrienne took her room key, and unlocked the door. As it creaked open, she searched along the wall for a light switch and finding one, flipped it with a quick motion of her hand. A small lamp sat on an unsteady coffee table that looked as though it had been acquired from a highschool shop class. The lamp was the only apparent source of light and illuminated the small room with a lurid yellowish glow.

�Definitely not the Mariot.� Smirked Beenie as she glanced at their accommodations.

�More like the Econo Lodge.� Remarked Adrienne in an almost disinterested voice. ��But, it�s better than a park bench.� She added collapsing on one of the two small beds. Beenie sat down on the other bed and began to pull at a loose thread on the faded and moth eaten bedspread which enveloped the musty smelling bed. She glanced about her to size up the room. The brown, water-stained wallpaper, which perhaps had once been a floral pattern was now peeling from the corners and ceiling. What was at one time a gray colored rug, now was concealed by stains of every imaginable color. Her gaze settled on her friend.

�What do we do now?� asked Beenie as a strange emotion began to seep into her features.

�Why are you asking me?� replied a somewhat supprised Adrienne. The question had caught her offguard. In all their adventure, Beenie had always been the leader. She was the quick thinker, the strong one. And now, she sat facing Adrienne, stairing at her with such an utter change in her appearance that she couldn�t help feeling uneasy. �How should I know?� she added.

�I thought�� started Beenie, ��I mean, I�oh, what�s the use�� Beenie looked down at the floor, her eyes now assuming a far away look to them. Adrienne was struck with a sudden realization. All the times that they had been in a tight situation, Beenie would start to seem so distant and oblivious to what was going on around her. Adrienne had always thought that this was the look Beenie assumed when formulating a plan, but now she new this was not the case. What Beenie was doing was closing herself to the world, pulling every fiber of her being inside and locking the door. It was an escape from reality, if you will, a transfer of all thought and feeling into a fantasy world where she could never be harmed by the unfeeling harshness of reality, a place where she was in control and that shapeless, unimaginable strength, that everyone else saw in her, began to take form and allowed her to fight her way through any situation. Adrienne now recognized the look on her companions face as one of deep, yet mostly hidden, dispair and resignation, she had finally succumbed to her feelings of doubt, abandonment, solitude and even fear. She had lost her will to fight this situation and lead her friends. She had made a meager attempt to pass this burden on to Adri enne with a simple question that had, at the time, fallen on deaf ears. Adrienne had not understood then, but did now, and dreaded the knowledge of it. As she stared at this miserable desolate creature before her she began to wonder. Adrienne had thought she knew Beenie. They had practically grown up together but there was still so much about her that was a complete mystery to them all.

�Beenie�Beenie?!� screeched Adrienne, trying to capture the attention of her comatose friend. Beenie lifted her head towards the sound of her name and seemed to search Adrienne�s face with some dim light of recognition. �Listen to me! I can�t be the leader! I couldn�t even find my way out of the building at that forensics tournament all those years ago! And you expect me to be held responsible for three other lives?! Granted, they�re really pathetic excuses for lives, but that�s not the point! Beenie�you�ve got to get a hold of yourself! We need your help!�

�My help?!� scoffed Beenie in a cynical voice. �I can�t help you. Any of you! This isn�t something I can handle! It�s out of my hands now!� With that Beenie jumped off the bed and began to pace across the condiment covered rug.

�You�ve been able to handle everything else.� Encouraged Adrienne. �Why should now be any different?! If you can run the mob, I think you can lead our demented little band of rejects!�

�Oh please!� sneered Beenie. �The mob?! The mob�what a joke! You don�t get it do you? You really don�t understand anything yet, do you?! This is nothing like running the mob! You�ve seen too many Godfather movies. A monkey could run the mob! All you have to do is tell someone what you want, when you want it, and how you want it�and have some limited knowledge of diplomacy, of course. This is reality! I don�t have any control over this here! I can�t just give some order and erase the whole thing! You�re more skilled at dealing with the real world than I am, as pathetic as that may sound. If this were a cartoon, I�d pull out an industrial sized mallet and pound that freak to the far side of the moon!�

�Beenie!� shouted an indignant Adrienne.

�Enough!� screamed Beenie as her face flushed with anger. �No more! The subject is closed!� With that Beenie rushed towards the door. As she threw the door open, Beenie froze as the sound of shouting voices reached her ears. Adrienne also heard the commotion, and ran next door with Beenie to where their friends were lodged.

�It�s locked!� exclaimed Beenie after trying the doorknob.

�Stand back!� ordered Adrienne who had begun to back down the hall. Moments later, she let out a fierce cry as she began her charge on the door. When she was within five feet of the door, Adrienne performed a series of graceful acrobatic flips which ended with a hard kick to the door, breaking it from it�s hinges.

�Wow.� Mumbled Beenie in shock. �Where�d you learn to do that?�

�Variety show practice.� Replied Adrienne curtly. �I had to do something to maintain my sanity. Come on!� With that, the two rushed into the room to aid their friends. Just as they had entered the room, they were knocked to th e ground by Shazzi, Yoshi, and Gaffney as they too made a mad dash for the door, and lay in the hallway in a giant heap.

�Ohhh!� whimpered Yoshi. �I broke a nail!�

�Yoshi!� shrieked Beenie. �Stop whining and get your foot out of my face!�

�Adrienne!� shouted Shazzi, �Quit trying to claw my eyes out!�

�I will,� replied Adrienne, �when you get this dog�s butt out of my face!� This shouting match soon turned into an all out brawl. First Yoshi slugged Beenie, then Adrienne began to choke Shazzi and kick absentmindedly at the drunk mutt who was gnawing on her leg while Shazzi sent an armada of plastic dinnerware at Yoshi, who was stepping on her face. Next, Beenie elbowed Adrienne in the nose, which instantly began gushing blood, while trying, unsuccessfully at first, to throw Yoshi into the wall. Then Adrienne stopped strangling Shazzi, who then lunged at Yoshi, and threw Beenie to the ground, causing her to land on the mutt who, previously, had been happily chewing away at Adrienne�s leg, and now turned on Beenie.

�Hey, hey, hey!!!!� shouted a booming voice from behind them. They stopped fighting long enough to recognize the owner of the voice as Joe who, since the bar scene, had managed to sober up. �I said knock it off!!!!! You!� he shouted, grabbing hold of Adrienne. �Five minutes in the box for instigating!�

�But I didn�t start it!� pleaded Adrienne as she was thrown into Yoshi and Shazzi�s room.

�All right now,� commanded Joe, �what�s going on here? Why are you at each others� throats? And more importantly�someone get this dog off my leg!!!!!�

�Sorry, Joe�� apologized Shazzi, �we just got a little carried away a guess.�

�Yeah,� chimed Yoshi, �I�m a nerving wreck!�

�That�s a nervous wreck, Yoshi.� Whispered Beenie in a low voice. Then turning to Shazzi, she added, �Adrienne and I heard shouting and thought you guys were in trouble. Then when we get the door open, you plow us into the ground!�

�We weren�t in trouble,� explained Yoshi in her thick accent, �Shazzi was yelling at me over who would share a bed with the dog so I was yelling back.�

�Hey�!� Shouted a muffled voice. Hey, help me�!�

�What is that?� wondered Joe.

�Someone let me out of here!!!!� screamed Adrienne from behind the room�s door which was presently being held in place by the weight of Yoshi leaning on the outside of it.

******************************************************************

�WAKE UP!!!!!� ordered Agent Arno as she lobbed a pillow at her snoring husband.

�Huh�what�?� rambled the disoriented Agent Mulder as he regained consciousness and began to massage his now throbbing temples.

�You were sleeping through the story!� shouted Agent Arno, her face flushing with anger. �And it was the best part too! She was telling about when I became in charge!�

�You�re kidding!� exclaimed an incredulous Agent Mulder. �And you�re all still alive?! So, what did I miss?�

�Not much.� Said Agent Scully in her I-don�t-believe-that-this-is-a-result-of-alien-encounters voice. �Only about three hours of boring monologue�at least you didn�t have to hear it.�

�All right,� replied Beenie, �I�ll just give the abridged version until the important part. Let me see�You know, if I keep telling this story, I�ll be hoarse before it�s through�All right�

So eventually our group, which now included Joe, decided to put a stop to the senseless brainwashing of the towns people. I mean, who wants to relive the childhood trauma of school? So, we found out that the nun had a secret hideout on the edge of town��

*****************************************************************

The group approached the looming fortress in the thickness of night. A foreboding wind had come up and chilled the group to the bone. The ominous sky was choked with clouds and a distant rumbling of thunder was heard.

�We�re here�� announced Joe in a hushed voice. In the instant that followed, a jagged bolt of lightning streaked across the sky, illuminating the building for a fraction of a second, but what they saw sent shivers down their spines and turned their very blood cold.

�My god,� spoke Shazzi in disbelief. �It�s a high school!�

�Come on.� Commanded Adrienne, taking the lead. They sat down in the thick shrubbery along the high walls of the fortress.

�How do we get in?� questioned Yoshi.

�Look up there.� Whispered Adrienne in response. �There�s a window about fifteen feet above us without any glass. I�ll climb up and you guys fallow.�

�One problem,� pointed out Beenie, �how do you expect us to get up there�fly?�

�Leave that to me�� replied Adrienne in a mysterious voice. She sat down on the ground and began to rip clumps of grass from it and weave them together. After an hour and a half, the newly ordained, and thoroughly drenched, leader created a rope long enough to reach the window. She turned to her comrades, who all looked like drowned rats, and smiled triumphantly. �Now, I just have to get it to stay up there�� said Adrienne as she began to throw the rope at the window. On the fifth try, by some miracle, it stayed and Adrienne began the arduous task of climbing.

Finally she reached the window and, having firmly situated herself, turned to call to her companions. �OK, guys, come on up!� she turned around to see that she was talking only to the air. The others were nowhere to be seen. �Guys�Where are you?!�

�Right here!� shouted Beenie from the inside of the room. As Adrienne, startled by the location of the voice, whipped around to face her friend, she lost her balance and fell to the concrete floor, some ten feet below.

�Ugh�How did you�� began Adrienne after regaining consciousness, �How did you get in here?�

�Simple.� Replied Beenie matter-of-factly. �We used the door.�

�OK,� mumbled Adrienne, �Addie go night night�� with that, she collapsed on the floor and Joe was assigned the task of carrying her.

�Why do I have to lug around her fat��

�Because you�re the new guy.� Interrupted Beenie.

*****************************************************************

�Let me just give you a summary of the next part�� said Beenie. �We made our way through the nun�s hideout and somewhere along the way Adrienne regained consciousness. We confronted the beast and defeated it�at least we thought we did�We found it�s weakness�I started drinking and swearing, Joe was smoking, Adrienne tore off her clothes and ran around half naked, Yoshi and Shazzi wrote up homework papers and tore them up, and Gaff took a leak on those spiffy shoes the nun had on�you know, normal ant-Catholic high school rules and dress code stuff. We thought she was dead�Strangely, after the nun collapsed, the building began to crumble. Before we ran out, I unmasked this unholy terror and do you know who it was�?�

�Elvis?� guessed Agent Mulder with great enthusiasm.

�Nope. But that was my first guess, too.� Said Agent Arno.

�It was our old cross-dressing drama teacher,� answered Beenie, �Jay McDowell! He vowed revenge but failed�at that time that is�now he�s back, masquerading as the nun and out to get his revenge against us�We have to end this once and for all�but first we must wait for Joe��

�What ever happened to him anyway?� asked Agent Arno with only a mild interest.

�He just disappeared after that. I always thought he was dead.�

�On the contrary�� croaked a voice from the shadows behind them. �I was merely laying low. Beenie and I knew he, she, or it, was still alive for some time�Agent Mulder, Agent Scully�it�s been a while��

�I know that voice!� shouted Mulder, jumping to his feet and pulling out his gun.

�Put that away until later, dear.� Scolded Agent Arno. �This has a PG-13 rating, not an R.�

�Come out where I can see you!!!!� raged Mulder. The dark figure slowly stepped into the light. �I knew it!!!� cried Agent Mulder. �Cancer Man!�

�You mean Cigarette Smoking Man?!� cried Scully in disbelief.

�Actually, my name is Joe.� Replied the FBI villain.

�But you�re so�so old.� Questioned Stark in amazement. �I thought you�re the same age as Beenie?�

�He is.� Replied Beenie. �Those surgeon generals aren�t joking when they say �may be hazardous to your health�. Well, shall we be going?�

�Are you joking?!� demanded Agent Mulder as he circled around Joe. �You expect me to work with this guy after what he�s done?!�

�And what exactly is that?� asked Joe in a calm voice.

�What?!!!� exclaimed Agent Mulder. �You�ve had my father and Scully�s sister killed, you tried to kill my mother, my partner, me, and even my boss�although I�m not complaining too much about that last one��

�Come on�� countered Joe. �I was just playing around. I was never really going to kill you. I read next season�s script ahead of time and saw that you would get married to Adrienne. I�m not about to make her a widow�well, if your pension was higher I might, but really, if I did that, what would happen to the series.�

�Joe!!!!� shrieked an enraged Agent Arno. �You couldn�t even do that for me?!!! That�s the last time I buy you cigs�!�

�Well,� began Shazzi in an exhausted tone, �we�re all here�shall we begin?�

�Wait a minute!� interrupted Agent Scully in her I-just-found-the-prize-in-the-Cracker-Jack�s-box voice as she glanced at the group. �I thought that stupid, beer-guzzling, mutt was a member of the team. If so, where is he?�

�Ah, yes�Gaffney�.� Remarked Beenie in a distracted voice. �He�s�not here. And I wouldn�t be expecting him either�.�

�What do you mean?!� shrieked Yoshi in her thick accent. She grabbed hold of Beenie�s shirt and began to shake her violently. �Where is he?! What happened to Gaffney?!�

�I don�t know how to tell you�� spoke Beenie in a low voice that, for the first time, was noticeably full of emotion. Her eyes seemed to reflect the tension and sorrow that began to seep into the room as she spoke of the fate of their comrade. �He�s�he�s�changed�� concluded Beenie, glancing at the floor.

�Oh my�� gasped Shazzi.

�The poor fella�� whispered Joe as he peeled Yoshi�s fingers away from Beenie�s throat.

�NO!!!!� screamed Yoshi in defiance as she pulled herself loose of Joe, who had been forced to restrain her. �It can�t be true!! I won�t believe it!!! NO!!!!�

�Let it go�� soothed Shazzi in a Zen-like voice. �He�s at peace now��

�NO!!! Gaffney!! Gaffney!! Gaffney!!!� screamed Yoshi, louder each time until her final gut-wrenching cry reached a pitch that only four legged creatures could hear. �GAFFNEY!!!!!!!!!�

************************************************************************

Outside of a remote, small town, a pack of wild dingoes, feasting on leftovers from a garbage can, glanced up and began to whimper. They had all heard, or at least sensed, a distant sound. They listened anxiously for the sound to repeat, but all they could hear now was the distorted music, coming from a nearby building.

Inside that modest abode, a man of medium height, with shaggy, dark blond hair, was busy painting the abstract portrait of a strange group of people consisting of what looked like four women; a red head, a woman of Asian appearance who was hovering above the ground with her legs crossed, and a dark haired woman holding a bag of what was supposed to be Riccola. In the corner of the painting was a small dog attacking another woman who was wearing red stiletto Gucci�s and holding a martini. The man smiled to himself, as he put the finishing touches on the fourth woman�s bleeding leg, as if he had just settled an old score with the portrayed figure. Without reason, a shiver ran up his spine, and a voice was heard in his head, calling out a name that seemed so familiar in an equally familiar accented voice. He glanced at the figure of the woman holding the bag of Riccola and felt a distinctly strong sense of dejuvou, and the sudden urge to drink a beer. He shrugged off the passing feeling and signed his name at the bottom of his now completed masterpiece. In the corner, in small, neatly formed letters, he wrote �The Bush Boar�. With that accomplished, he turned off his stereo that had been playing Beetles music at a deafening volume, and began to clean up in preparation for his next art class�.

************************************************************************

Some ten minutes later, as the group planned their next move, a low, muffled groan was heard coming from the corner. They turned to look at Yoshi, who, during a moment of temporary, and uncontrollably violent insanity, had been hog-tied, gagged and ultimately left on the floor in a dark corner of the room.

�Should we untie her?� asked Agent Arno as Agent Mulder finished bandaging the left side of her face from where Yoshi had tried to cla w her eyes out.

�How about we just give her some more tranquilizers?� piped in Joe, as he limped across the floor after having dislocated his knee when Yoshi knocked him to the ground and sat on him.

�I can�t do that.� replied Scully matter-of-factly. �I�ve already given her enough to knock out a horse. So,� questioned Agent Scully in her inquisition voice, �when exactly did you learn that the, um, nun, was still alive?�

�Like I said.� replied Beenie in an equally harsh and toneless voice. �I�ve known for some time. I saw the him, her, thingy wandering around one day looking for work. I was in a rather spiteful mood so I hired him to play the lead in my private viewing of the Rocky Horror Picture Show. I was watching the first performance when I received word that you and your delirious band of misfits were approaching my palace in Italy. He took off after that, but I knew he was simply bidding his time.�

�But that�s not important now.� stated Agent Stark. �He�s already made his move. It�s time for us to act now!�

�But what has�it�been doing, exactly, that we have to stop it?� asked Mulder in a bewildered voice.

�I can answer this one, Beenie.� Answered Shazzi in her Mentos-calm tone. �He�s brainwashing people again. I felt it before Beenie had a chance to inform me�a great disturbance in the universal harmonies�that�s why we have to stop him. He is messing with a power he can�t possibly control�the power�of dress code!�

A shiver ran through each person in the room as an ominous clap of thunder was heard in the distance at the mention of those last two words which draped like a death shroud over the group.

�Hr moofmveivo?� mumbled Yoshi through her gag.

�What?� asked a thoroughly perplexed Beenie.

She repeated her strange mutterings, but to no avail. For all the gathering knew she could have been speaking in the language of the Ubangi Chicken Tribe.

�Here�s a novel thought,� quipped Stark, �how about we ungag her?�

�Are you sure that�s such a good idea?� spattered Scully in an anxious tone.

�Of course it is.� Replied Arno matter-of-factly. Then, as if speaking to a puppy that had just made a mess of it�s home, she turned to Yoshi. �You�re going to be good now aren�t you.�

�Mvfu.� Muffled an eager Yoshi as Adrienne removed the gag from her mouth. �I said, �so that�s why we must stop him�. He�s making people wear uniforms again?�

�Not just uniforms,� Countered Beenie, her voice taking on a dark edge, �knee length, plaid, wool skirts!!!� The sound of fearful and enraged gasps echoed throughout the room, disturbing the awed silence that followed.

�This monster must be stopped!� protested Mulder getting to his feet. �I will not wear a wool skirt! I don�t dress up in women�s clothes and no one has any proof otherwise!!�

�That was more than I needed to know�� remarked Beenie, walking to her desk, as a visible shiver ran down her spine.

�So where do we find this monster?� asked Scully as she slowly inched away from her partner.

�Right here.� replied Beenie solemnly, pointing t o an island in the middle of the St. Lawrence River. �He has a pretty nice fortress out there. I had my people stake it out a few weeks ago. And it�s well protected too�search lights, radar, infrared, genetically engineered guard dogs�the whole nine yards. And that�s not the worst of it. We have to face�Attila.

�Who�s Attila?� asked Stark anxiously.

�You�ll find out soon enough�� answered Beenie eerily. �We can�t go in by air or boat. We�ll have to swim.�

�I can doggie paddle.� Piped in Yoshi.

�No, we�ll need to be underwater for this.� Corrected Joe as he lit yet another cigarette. �Know any good scuba divers?�

�I do.� Chimed Mulder as the rest stared in amazement. �What? I took a few lessons from this Swedish guy last year�what was his name�Hans.� Then, looking sheepishly at his reflection in his spiffy-shined shoes, he added, �I thought it would be useful in case I had to check out any aquatic UFO crash sites.�

�Anyone else?� asked Joe hopefully. �All right. Hans it is. Now where exactly can we find this Hans?�

The motley crew walked towards the humble abode of the infamous Hans. From what they had gathered in the surrounding town, Hans was an eccentric man who lived alone in his dwelling on the river. He was obsessed with the belief that there was a treasure hidden somewhere at the bottom of the river and had spent most of his life in search of it.

�Hello!� shouted Mulder as they walked toward the rear of the house. �He�s probably out back. Hans!�

�What do you want.� Replied a deep voice in an accent even thicker than Yoshi�s.

�It�s me, Mulder. Remember?� he answered as if speaking to a child. �I took scuba lessons from you.�

�How could I forget. You were the freak that kept rambling on about government conspiracies and UFO cover-ups�and people say I�m a loony.�

�Well, we need your help.� Stated Arno. �We need to swim out to an island.�

�Which one?� asked Hans, his curiosity noticeably aroused.

�Holy Isle.� Replied Beenie to which Hans burst into hysterics.

�You�re all loony if you think I�ll go within a mile of that place!� scoffed the Swede.

�But you have to help us!� pleaded Shazzi.

�Sorry, but I value my life.�

�If you won�t help us�� croaked Joe exchanging a knowing glance with Mulder and Stark, as he made a predatorial advance towards Hans, �then we�ll force you to!!!� With that, the trio sprang on the deep-sea-diver and began to pound his body into an unnatural shape.

�Had enough?!� inquisitioned Mulder, getting a little to into this assault. Instead of answering, Hans slipped away from them, ran to a box outside of his cabin and removed an armful of large coins.

�Here! Here!!!� shouted Hans as he began randomly throwing what turned out to be gold doubloons at the group to appease them. By some strange fate, one was hurled unavoidably at Beenie�s head and struck her squarely, knocking her senseless for a few minutes.

�Are you all right?� asked Stark as she came to. He, Agent Arno, Scully, Shazzi and Yoshi stared at her with bated breath.

�I�ve got a bowling ball in my stomach and a desert in my mouth.� Replied Beenie groggily.

�What?!� pondered Arno. �Maybe we should get her to a doctor.�

�I know a cat named Easter�� remarked Beenie. Just then, Mulder and Hans returned to the group after a trip down memory lane.

�Why don�t you check her out, Scully?� inquired Mulder.

�Do you really think I�m a doctor?� asked Scully in disbelief.

�Beenie, are you all right?�

�I lost the sunset�� muttered the dazed former crime syndicate. �Does Joe still bring flowers to Marilyn�s grave?�

�I know what�ll fix her up.� Called Joe from the riverbank.

******************************************************************

The gang and their new members entered the small town bar. Besides Hans, they had another recruit. On the way over, Beenie had placed a phone call to an unknown party and within minutes a woman approached them. She would not divulge her name, only that she was to be Beenie�s French, interpreter who dressed like a Gypsy.

�What kind of qualifications do you have?� demanded Scully, seeking to find an even less qualified person, having revealed her lifelong secret at never having received an actual degree.

�I em fluent in Tori-ism.� Answered the French interpreter. �She can only speak now en Tori lyrics.�

After entering the bar, their attention was immediately drawn to a young woman tap dancing on one of the tables. She was wearing a pair of leather designer boots, a medieval style shirt, black pants with a sash tied around her waist, a rhinestone tiara and holding a large mug of ale in her right hand.

�I am the Lord of the Carousel!� shouted the woman as she jumped off the table and ambled towards the bar for a refill. As they watched, a rather debonair gentleman, who had up till then been�socializing�with the brunette in the corner, approached the Lord.

�Beenie�Beenie!� whispered Adrienne excitedly, tugging on her comrade�s sleeve. �Isn�t that Lord Byron?! What�s he doing with her?!� Beenie looked impatiently at Adrienne and then motioned for her French interpreter. After listening to Beenie�s mumbling in hushed tones, the interpreter approached Adrienne.

�She does not know.� Was the woman�s reply.

Across the room, quite a scene was being made. The young woman Lord Byron was speaking to was getting increasingly agitated. Finally, she turned to Byron and released a sonic scream that sent him flying across the room into a wall. With that settled she made for the door. As she passed the group, she eyed the former crime lord.

�You�re Beenie aren�t you�see you in the next life.� As she stood in the doorway, the Lord of the Carousel wheeled around to face the inhabitants of the pub. �Happiness is yogurt with fruit on the bottom!!!� she cried as she made her exit and rode off on a horse decorated like a carousel.

�Beenie, who was that?� asked Agent Arno, her curiosity getting the better of her. Seeing that her friend made no move to answer, she began to whine. �Come on! Are you going to tell me or not?� Beenie snapped her fingers and her interpreter rushed over. After a private conference, she gave the long awaited answer.

�Ze Beenie sez, �no�.�

�Don�t be in such a rush to hear of a future life. You might not like what is revealed.� Droned Shazzi in her Zen-like voice.

�Do I have a future life?� prodded Adrienne. �Please, please, please tell me Shazzi!�

�Very well.� Replied the psychic. She motioned with her hand to a rowdy young woman in the corner who was picking a fight with a biker. As if on cue, the woman turned and starred into Adrienne�s eyes. She was of medium height, with curly, bleach blond hair. She wore a pair of faded, torn jeans several sizes too large and a T-shirt saying �I love Manson�.

�Would that mean Charles or Marilyn?� asked Adrienne eyeing the woman�s shirt.

�It doesn�t make any difference.� Was the ominous reply. Adrienne shivered and then rejoined her group which had moved to the bar counter.

�Bar tender!� ordered Hans. �Give me a tankard of yer best ale�ar�� The bar tender removed a large glass beer mug from the counter and filled it with a frothy amber colored liquid. Hans took the mug and motioned for Beenie to stand next to him. He raised the glass and smashed it over Beenie�s head. Agent Stark caught the unconscious mob lord as she fell to the floor while Mulder, Scully, and Adrienne tried to hold back Yoshi who was scrambling for Hans.

�It�s�ok, Yoshi.� Mumbled Beenie as she regained consciousness. �He did what he had to do�ugh�but maybe next time you can give me a fair warning.� She added, glaring at the diver.

�You can talk normally again!� cheered Shazzi as Beenie held the icepack the bartender had just handed her to her throbbing head. The interpreter, who until now had been standing behind the group, walked toward Beenie.

�My work here is done.� She stated, bowing to Beenie before disappearing from the bar.

�We�ve wasted enough time now.� reminded Adrienne. �We have some unfinished business to take care of.� The others nodded grimly and headed for the door.

The assorted group swam silently through the murky waters of the St. Lawrence River. Adrienne, lost in thought, began to reflect on the events that had just taken place. After returning to Hans� cottage, they had loaded his old fishing boat with all the equipment they would need: oxygen tanks, scuba gear, goggles, those funny flippers that looked like seal feet and�

Agent Arno was brought out of her daze by a sharp tapping on her shoulder. She cocked her head to get a better view of Yoshi who was pointing to the surface. Adrienne could already see the others bobbing on top of the water like monstrous buoys. She surfaced and removed her assorted head gear. The others were murmuring in such hushed tones that she had to strain to hear them.

�We�ll go around to the park side and go ashore there.�

�Why not the boat house?�

�It�s too unprotected. We�d be spotted for sure.�

�The trees will provide adequate cover for��

�Enough talk!� Adrienne interrupted, eager for action. �Let�s go!�

The nine of them swam to the shore of the island and trudged onto the grass. As they began to move through the trees, Beenie realized that Hans had lingered behind.

�Hans,� she whispered apprehensively, �is something wrong?�

�I don�t quite know, lass.� He answered her. �I just have the feeling that I won�t be seeing these waters again�ar�If anything happens to me�I want to be buried right there in the river.� Seeing Beenie nod in a solemn agreement, they turned to catch up to the rest of the group. After reaching the clearing, Joe motioned for them to head for what looked like a loading dock. Creeping through the bushes, they watched a squad of guards at the end of the docks.

�That,� remarked Scully, �is some heavy artillery!�

�Just make sure they don�t have a chance to use it.� Remarked Stark as he gave his wife�s shoulder an affectionate squeeze. �The loading door�s open. I say don�t look a gift horse in the mouth.�

They crept past the guards and entered a large warehouse. Beenie grimaced after taking a few steps. She hated the setup. A large, dark room filled with wooden crates-most of which were a foot taller than her. What unnerved her the most was the fact that the sound of her footsteps seemed to leap off the floor and thrash into the walls and rafters before returning and clambering in her ears. As they passed another row of crates, Mulder stopped and pulled away one of the large gray tarps that covered them.

�Let�s see what�s under here.� he commented, more to himself than the rest of the group. The large wooden box was securely shut with a quality lock.

�My turn.� Remarked Adrienne, stepping forward. She removed her lock picking kit from her pocket and went to work. Within seconds, the lock had popped. �Never leave home without it.� She grumbled removing the lock and opening the crate.

�Oh, my�� exclaimed Scully in horror. Inside the crate were piles of blouses, sweaters, ties�and worst of all�wool skirts!

�He�s absolutely nuts!� cried Stark eyeing the contents as Shazzi grimly nodded. A sudden movement in the shadows caught her eye. She was about to warn her friends to hide when the shape began to shout out.

�Intruders! Intruders in the warehouse!!� the figure cried as he ran for the guards.

�We need to hide fast!� cried Yoshi. They ran to the other side of the warehouse and split up. Mulder, Scully and Stark dived into an empty crate and covered themselves with a tarp. Hans made a break for the door and was gunned down instantly. Adrienne, Beenie, Yoshi, Joe and Shazzi had no time to stop and aid the injured diver. They had just managed to jump inside an unlocked door as the ravaging footsteps of the guards reached their ears. Shazzi shut the door silently behind them and turned to find that they were in the main building. They had entered through what looked like-judging from the desks and chalkboard-a class room.

�Who wants to bet that our old friend�ll be in the principal�s office.� Chimed Joe glancing down the hall. �Wherever that is.� They started down the darkened corridor heading for a room with lights on in the distance. They froze as angry voices were heard ahead of them.

�What do you mean they made it inside! Where were the guards?! Out shopping?!� there could be no mistaking whose voice that was. They resumed their course nearly running towards the voice.

******************* ****************************************

�I think they�re gone.� Whispered Mulder as he shifted under the tarp.

�Are you sure it�s safe?� cautioned Stark.

�Not to worry,� responded Mulder with a touch of arrogance as he whirled away the tarp. �They�re not going to find u�?!� Mulder�s voice trailed away as he heard the unmistakable sound of an automatic weapon loading. He turned around to find five angry guards breathing down his neck.

�Nice going Columbo!� jeered Scully as they were forced to their feet and headed toward the docks.

************************************************

�They were patrolling the end of the docks. How were they to know that they��

�No more excuses!!! Find them now!!!!�

As Gunter turned to leave, he saw the five silouhettes in the doorway and froze. The beast came charging out of a back room towards him.

�I thought I told you to�� his voice trailed off as he spotted his old adversaries. �Well,� he said with mock hospitality, �Gunter, it looks like we have company. Best put the tea on hm, hm, hm��

�Sorry to barge in unannounced,� replied Beenie, in an equally sarcastic tone, �but those door men of yours didn�t look as if they�d just let us waltz in.�

�Get to the point!� rasped the beast.

�Oh, yeah.� Smirked Yoshi. �How about this�arrrhahhhhfltv�.@#*&$#@!!!!� Yoshi began to shout profanities at the beast in English as well as Polish. The beast was curling into a ball and began to writhe on the floor covering her�his ears. Gunter rushed forward but was suddenly showered by flying plastic projectiles and ultimately knocked out by a swift hard punch from Beenie.

�That was for Guido!!� she spat at Gunter vehemently, before signaling Yoshi to stop her hollering.

�Who�s Guido?� asked Shazzi cautiously.

�He was a good friend of mine�� answered Beenie with mixed sadness and hatred in her voice. �he was undercover here with a few others. He missed informing that hag of a new shipment when he was informing me of what was going on�Gunter killed him.�

�He was one of yours?!� Rasped an incredulous voice from behind them. They turned to see the beast slowly staggering to it�s feet. Yoshi was about to start her screaming again when Beenie clamped a hand over her mouth. The beast looked on with shock at what her enemy had just done. �You�ve got me cornered and outnumbered.� He hissed at them, �why not just get it over with!!!�

�I want this to end.� Beenie replied firmly. �Now. And with no more blood shed.�

�And how do you propose to do that.�

�Simple,� Beenie responded, her eyes dancing, �I�ll make you an offer you can�t refuse�� The beast raised an eyebrow as she began to explain.

�I think I�m going to be sea sick!� whined Adrienne as she leaned over the side of the boat.

�Hold your stomach until we�re done.� Ordered Beenie. �We have a promise to keep.� S he nodded to her friends and Mulder and Stark lifted a large bundle, heavily wrapped in a bright pink cloth, and gingerly tossed it over board.

�Eternal waters,� droned Shazzi bowing her head slightly. �Accept the shell of a mighty soul and give him peace in the days to come��

�Ar�� they all replied in unison.

�Only one thing left to do.� Beenie reminded.

�No, Beenie!� challenged Adrienne. �I�m not going to do it!�

�Yes, you are.� Corrected Joe. �We all are. Let�s head back and get this over with.�

As the boat pulled up anchor and moved towards shore, the remains of Hans, the deep sea diver, sank to the bottom of the river, raising a cloud of silt, and settled next to a Do-It-Yourself-Enema kit and a large chest of shiny gold doubloons that lay just out of reach.

**********************************************************

A dark hared man in a tasteful gray suit, paced the halls anxiously. They should have been here by now�he thought. The sound of one of the doors opening and the angry chatter that followed brought a relieved and mischievous gleam to his eyes.

�So,� the man began as he walked over to greet the group, �you showed after all.�

�Of course.� Countered the diminutive red head. �We told you we would. We should have been here sooner but Adrienne had to see the world�s biggest ball of twine.�

�Admit it!� shouted Adrienne. �You enjoyed the side trip!�

�But the important thing,� interrupted Stark, �is that we�re all here. Well, everyone except Mulder. He stayed behind to close the deal on a house�about time too!�

�All right ladies and gents, time to get ready!� informed the man in the suit. �The dressing rooms are right over there.� Beenie, Shazzi and Joe walked in the direction the man had pointed. Yoshi followed them, dragging a muttering Adrienne behind her.

***************************************************

After the meeting with the beast, Beenie had made a deal with him. He would leave them alone permanently. In return, he was given a job as assistant principal and placed in charge of all theatrical productions in a small high school in San Francisco, California. Mulder, Stark and Scully were released unharmed and the entire stock of uniforms in the beast�s possession would be burned. As a show of good faith, it was agreed upon that the Beast would regularly see a therapist if the Bush Boar (now including Joe) would perform in the high school�s Variety Show.

**********************************************************

�Places people!� shouted a stage hand. The Bush Boar briskly moved into position on the stage, all but Adrienne that is, who was pushed on by the stage hand. As the curtains opened, a packed theater was revealed. And, much to Adrienne�s chagrin, Agent Stark sat in the front row with Agent Scully who, grinning wickedly, was video taping the entire production. As the music began to play, the group frolicked across the stage in precise, choreographed movements. On her queue, Adrienne pranced up to the microphone in her light pink sash and bright red leotard, which left little to the imagination, and recited her lines.

�See me. I am but a simple farm girl. Raised like a nieve child and quickly falling pray to the evils of the world. I am but a shadow of myself and what I could have been. Oh, woe is me!� She quickly danced back into position as Beenie came forward and took her place by the microphone, tugging absentmindedly at the wedgie her black spandex ensemble was giving her. She threw her bright green sash over her shoulder and began her lines as the others started to dance about in circles behind her.

�Oh, woe is me�I am but a caterpillar. I glorified worm with feet. Will I ever become the beauty I know I am? Will I ever spread my wings and fly towards the heavens? What ho! Poor farm girl, for we are much alike, troubled and plain as we are. See me��

With that, the curtain closed and the humiliated actors rushed off stage.

�This isn�t what I�d call a happy ending!� snapped Adrienne viciously.

�I�m not complaining.� Chimed Joe. �I just got signed for the remaining seasons of the X-Files and a movie!�

�Yoshi and I,� remarked Shazzi, �are opening our own Iranian and Polish food market and stray mongrel dog shelter.�

�And I suppose you have a cheerful outcome to end this with, too!� Adrienne growled at Beenie. Beenie looked at her thoughtfully before replying.

�Don�t whine.� She told Adrienne firmly. �You did after all, get a house out of this deal. As for me�I�m going to lay low for a while�I�m starting a�um�family business. You can be certain though, I�ll keep in touch.�

With that, the friends parted. Adrienne regrouped with Agent Stark and his jeering wife and caught the last plane for Washington. Adrienne sat staring out of the plane�s window, thinking about the events of the past few weeks, while shifting her weight on the broken spring in her chair. At least nothing else can possibly go wrong�she thought as she began to doze. Just then, the overly cheerful voice of one of the ladies-on-the-plane rang out over the intercom.

�Ladies and gentlemen,� she happily informed. �thanks to one of our passengers, Miss Dana Scully, our inflight movie will be a recording of the sold out performance earlier this evening at Holy Rollers High School. Enjoy.�

�Scully?� Adrienne asked in a thoughtfully sweet voice.

�Hm?� asked Scully with a devious grin.

�I hope you can fly�!!!!� screamed Adrienne as she grabbed Scully and began to try and ram her head through the window. Their war cries carried out to the field below them, where a red hared woman of medium height stood watching it fly east.

�Until we meet again�� she whispered with a slight smile curling her lips. When the plane was out of sight, she slung her pack over her shoulder and headed for the rolling estate on the horizon.

Back to the Brainstorms